Well hello...
I didn't mean to disappear for so long. I'm sorry if anyone was annoyed or upset by my absence but to be honest, only about 4 people even wondered where I was so I don't think I was really missed! And that's fine, by the way - it's just an internet diary, it's not like I'm organizing world peace ;)
The truth is, sometimes you just have to shave little pieces out of your life to make room for others. I hate to admit this and I've been trying very hard not to but my health has gone right downhill recently. Everything's taken a big step downward and I don't seem to be able to gather up my strength again from one thing before another hits. Don't worry, that's not a cue for sympathy or hugs or anything because ironically every other part of my life is the best it's ever been. For the first time, I wake every day with a smile on my face and knowing that everything is good. That's something that I never thought I'd say.
The problem is that some of this happiness has meant that I've been pouring my energy into other things and so one of the bits of my life that was pushed to the side was this diary. I did actually say that I was mainly updating on LiveJournal but I don't think people realised that was the case. To cut a long story short, I've not had the strength or energy to construct long entries about what's been happening, as much as I've wanted to.
You see, I've rediscovered the joy of writing fiction. When I finally broke a four-year stretch of writer's block I had no idea that I'd eventually find writing brought me more joy than it did back when I was in college. The energy I'd have otherwise been using on diaryland has been going into writing more and more stories; I've even reached the point where I carry a book everywhere so I can write a page while I'm waiting for my train or sneak in a few sentences at work. I know taking back that part of my life has contributed to my happiness. It was something I lost and had to fight to take back, but now that I have I feel as though one of the gaps in my life has been filled.
But there's so much more. My personal circumstances have changed tremendously over the last few months. I've been afraid of writing about it because I didn't know how anyone would take it and I was afraid of people spoiling my happiness. Y and I decided back in September that I should try to find a female partner and immediately, the very first day that we started looking, I met someone :) She's beautiful and she's such a free spirit. And it's affected Y and myself in the most positive way. It's a sign of how much happier and more confident I'd become in myself that I felt able to go ahead with this, and I am so glad that I have done.
But more than that, I've learnt to trust again. It took a lot of years but I finally learned to open up my heart again, and I am so glad that I did because I have because I opened my life to finally find a deep, true, best friendship of a kind which I'd always craved and never found. And within it I found a whole new world, the other half of my soul, and a beautiful, long distance girlfriend *wink* - you know who you are ;D
This is something I've never had before. That I wake up every day with a smile. I have people around me whom I love dearly, I love my job and my designing, I'm feeling so inspired and so loved. It's unthinkable that it's still just a few years ago that I spent each and every day depressed and contemplated how much I desired to simply not live any more. I think always waited for something to change in my life, as though I had expected someone to wave a magic wand and bring me happiness. Well, that just doesn't happen - the change has to come from within.
This year I threw out a lot of things from my past materially, and the bad feelings went out with it. I took back parts of me that I thought had been lost forever. It's frustrating that just as I've found this, my body has gone in the opposite direction. For the last two months I've had some pain pretty much every day courtesy of the oh-so-considerate endometriosis and in turn it's attacking the CFS but it's just not going to get me down.
Some things will never change though. Running man is still running after trains yelling "Hello?" and "Excuse me!", I'm still torturing my nearest and dearest with Boris Johnson and Ellis from Ideal World, and I've dyed my hair one colour after another.
I honestly don't know if anyone has missed my diary. I've still been reading, I've just not had the energy to write. I'm really sorry about that and I hope no one was worried. But even if I go missing on and off, I'll always be found here. And if anyone wants my mobile number for texting purposes, just ask and I will be glad to oblige :)
I hope everyone is well - and that you're all watching the new series of Robot Wars ;)
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