Thank you so much for all the love and hugs yesterday. I'm so sorry to have even had to write about that again. As the time gets closer it comes back to me more, that's all. I will have to write about it again, perhaps several more times, but I'll try to keep it to a minimum or keep it locked away in the private pages. I just don't want to stumble back across it a few months down the line. It seems as though everything I touch relates to that incident, to that month, to that year. i can't do anything without 1998 staring me back in the face. Thank you all for the hugs and support - it really meant so much xx
I've spent the weekend living in the past, for better or worse, going through so many old papers and so much old stuff. It's really made me yearn for my days at art college. I miss everyone so much, and I don't think I realised until now how much so. I found the T*ggy pictures yesterday. The ex's dog. Sorry, it deserves to be made into a curse word. I've spent the last few years trying to hide them and even palmed them off onto unsuspecting people, but the remaining 3 reappeared yesterday. In case anyone missed my telling of that story in my old diary, T*ggy is the ex-girlfriend's dog, who she loved far more than she ever did me, and who she obsessed over every second of every day. She used to think that I would like a collection of photographs of him and I ended up with a number into double figures :/
Truth is, I hated that dog. I hated it for ripping my tights, for almost pissing on my foot on a number of occassions and for doing something unspeakable on the carpet when C was out of the room. The T*ggy pictures haunt me. I hide them so well that it's truly a shock when I discover them again! And yet I somehow can't quite bring myself to get rid of them....
There was something else I found that I don't really know what to do with. And any suggestions would be gratefully received. There's a best friend's necklace. For one year of my life I had the most intense, deep friendship I've ever experienced, the soul-mate type, the type you think will be there forever. I told her everything, Well, almost everything. Guess which was the part of me I managed to tactfully forget?
The friendship died on the day I told her I was gay. Up until that point everything was fine. Perfect, close, the type of friendship I'd always dreamed about. I certainly never had any other feelings for her - you just don't generally fancy your mates - it was just one of those friendships that ran so deep. It was as though we became a part of each other. Up until that point, every friendship i'd had was on a more shallow level, a fun level. I'd never connected that deeply with anyone. I certainly did not expect things to go sour the way they did.
And stupidly it took me years to realise that was why she changed. At the time I couldn't even see it or understand, and I spent years thinking that I really was the awful person she later painted me out to be. Perhaps I was better off thinking that than figuring it out.
One day I got brave and told her during an online chat. It's somehow easier to say things when you can't hear that person's voice or see their face. As soon as I said it, she went silent. She pretended, after a few minutes, that she'd been cut off but her connection had stayed intact. She put up a cheesy line along the lines of 'some of my best friends are gay' then left quickly. On the phone that night she was distant and barely spoke. She certainly wouldn't speak of what I had told her. Things just went downhill very quickly after that until I received a very hurtful and spiteful letter in the summer of that year, listing all the awful things about me and how many personality flaws I had.
The friendship was so deep that it was like ending a relationship and I didn't actually know how I survived it. Looking back, though, I don't know how I was ever so weak that I'd have doubted I would. It took years before it stopped stinging me and I have only just gotten up the will to throw away the rest of her letters. But there's a necklace.
She gave me a best friend's neckace the first time we met in person and I wore it non-stop until the day I got that letter. I took it off that night and put it away in the folder with all her letters. I'd found it every now and then, never really sure what to do with it. It doesn't feel right to put it in the bin, but I don't want it to stay in my posession any longer. What should I do? What would you do? I can't be the only person to have ever been in this position.
I think I'd better go and get something to eat before I fall on my keyboard now :) I'm knackered. Busy day - I went to the doctor's this morning and yes, it wasn't just a flash in the pan last time, I really *have* found a good doctor! I also managed to get some bright red hairdye today at long last and an electric toothbrush, which I promise not to use for immoral purposes! Bye :) xx
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