One of the most interguing things about life is the way that, eventually, all roads seem to converge. Seperate paths that you've lived end up meeting unexpectedly along the way as though they had been planned out years, decades in advance. I used to believe that there was no such thing as fate; that every decision in life was truly down to the individual and that nothing was out of our control, but I quickly learned that's not true. In fact, I'm not sure that anything is really down to us. Even the decisions we think we make are probably all part of some greater plan.
I've come to believe that everything happens for a reason. Even the very worst things in our lives. The sequence just seems to fall into place, day after day, event after event as though a team of scripwriters had spent weeks planning out each twist and turn. The decisions we make were going to happen anyway. Sometimes that gives me comfort when I look at how the bad times have come to, indirectly, lead to the good.
Now lines have converged again. Yesterday I wrote about the best friend necklace that I want to get rid of but didn't know how. Thanks to Jess I've now worked it out and I don't know why I didn't realise it before.
A couple of people advised me to keep it, but I have to explain why I just can't anymore. I have an awful habit of clinging to the past. I cannot help it - it's just the way I am. I find it so hard to move on. That's why I cling to so much crap - letters, pictures, scraps of paper with the tiniest memory attached. But I also cling to the bad times. I find it so hard to get over anything and move on. I'm only just begining to break those habits and to slowly leave behind pain of the past. The necklace is a part that I have to get rid of.
I realised with shock last night that I have no happy memories of that friendship. I didn't understand why at first and I questioned myself for a very long time, and finally I reached a conclusion: It's the only friendship I've ever had that didn't *make* me happy. For example, take my long friendship with J and H - I have no bad memories at all. The three of us have never fought - we had more fun than you could shake a whole pile of sticks at and they gave me so much joy as we all grew up. they were the brother and sister I never had, and I am so proud of the way they have turned out. Then there were L and A at college with all our jokes, our days out and our catchphrases. And C, despite the way our brief relationship turned out, I have so many happy memories of. All the good times we had and the secrets we shared.
But this particular friendship has no happy memories attached. It was a very unhappy time of my life, I admit. Our friendship started in the weeks after I was assaulted and I was in absolute despair. Over the following months we both had very heavy incidents occurring in our lives which I suppose reflected in the kind of friendship we had. She never had the same wacky streak that I had, or that my other friends had, and I suppose that meant I never had the jokey memories that my other friendships produced.
I wondered whether it being an online friendship in the start had anything to do with it, because living far apart accounts for a lack of actual meetings, but I realised that doesn't work as a reason because I have wonderful memories I'll keep from all of my online friendships since, Tortoises included.
And there was one other factor involved. I was never the kind of person that she wanted me to be. I didn;t have the confidence to be good enough for her. And she liked to think of herself as highly intellectual whereas I wanted to indulge in more lighthearted conversation. I was always pretending when I was around her, trying to be someone I wasn't.
So why did the friendship go on for so long, and why was it so deep? To be honest, that's the one question I've still not figured out an answer to. I really liked her and I used to live for the next letter to drop through my letterbox all the time. I used to relish having someone connect so deeply to my soul and always know what I was thinking. To be honest, at the time I didn't even realise how much I had to pretend when I was around her. Sometimes it is only on reflection that you notice these things, I suppose.
The necklace only brings back painful memories. The day she sent me that letter, every good memory disappeared. But like an idiot I was too scared to let go of the past, even though the past still reduced me to tears every time I thought about it. I clung to that necklace and I don't know why. It only caused me more grief every time I saw it. I suppose what it came down to was the fact that i just didn't know what to do with it.
That's why I asked advice yesterday and when Jess suggested I throw it in the Thames, it rang a bell with something that I did four and a half years ago. Ironically, it ties up all of the things that have been plaguing me this weekend.
I once left an object in a tunnel used several times in Bugs. It was on the first Bugs tour that I ran in October 1998, the day after she gave me the necklace in fact. The object that I abandonned there was given to me by my bastard uncle who tried to rape me, on the very evening that he stole a part of my life. It seemed like the most significant way to get rid of it. The dustbin was too good for that piece of shit.
The object itself was an ornament brought over from his home country by him and his wife. It looked like a silver breedless animal taking a crap on top of some kind of fake gemstone. It was vile as it was, but by the end of that night it had taken on further dreadful meaning. To make it worse I had to keep it on show so that my dad wouldn't ask me where the 'lovely' ornament had gone. Every day it sat there, reminding me. When enough time had passed and I could safely get rid of it, this was the only way I could think of.
The Bureau was like heaven to Bugs fans. It was the main building in the series and the day I found it.... well, it was a bit like a religious experience for me! God, I miss having a fandom. In any case, the first stop on the first tour was that very building. I took the object with me and I intended to leave it there but as the day went on i forgot in the excitement. I was furious with myself. I needed to abandon this to leave behind part of what went with it. later on in the day I got my chance, when the 3 of us discovered a tunnel that had been used over and over. It had significance, perhaps not as much so as the Bureau, but it felt right.
I took the object out of my bag and laid it on the ground. I mumbled something, hoping no one else heard. The words I said will never leave my memory. I glanced back as we walked away and - however slight - there was a twinge of relief.
And now I know where I should leave that necklace. What goes around comes around.... that used to be one of my favourite phrases and now I think it's very true.
I'm trying to stop holding onto the things that make me unhappy because, for the first time in my life, I'm *not* unhappy! The last year or so I have been happier than I ever thought possible and that's helped me to let go. I'm sorry if my entries have dwelled on the past the last few days - it was unavoidable after sorting through all those papers and it'll just take a few days for the dust to settle.
Literally, as well as metaphorically.
*Achoo!*
In other news, Running Man was trying a new tactic today, which was rather disturbing. He charged his way onto the platform as usual, puffing and panting, but rather thna screaming at the trains he was suspiciously calm.
"Don't tell me it's gone already?" he said in surprisingly measured tones. He did, however, neglect to notice the sodding great train sitting next to the platform, waiting for him. I don't know.... perhaps he got trainblindness??
Perhaps it's related to the bizarre labelling on the box of my new filing cabinet which arrived today. It had three boxes on the side with the various colour schemes beside them for the supplier to tick the correct choice. However, one of the boxes was beside a blank line, presumably from their new range of invisible filing cabinets :/ Hmm......
I am off for some food now. A word of warning - it's the Eurovision Song Contest at the weekend - my favourite time of year!!! - so watch out for my special guide to watching Eurovision tomorrow. You will see it in a whole new light.....
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