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Paper Hijacked by Spider Shock!

Record released on 2003-03-25 at 7:13 p.m.

'Ello!

You might have already heard of me? My name's Spider. I've been slandered all over this diary! Some human girl with a prejudice against those of us with eight legs went and wrote some pile of garbage about me and the way I was forced out of her room, protesting every step of the way!

You'll forgive me, I'm sure, for any typing mistakes, but as long as my legs I still have to run a mini-marathon every time I want to get from the 'A' to the 'P'. Still, it keeps me busy, and to those who disregard my typings I suppose it looks a lot like tapdancing. Or keyboard dancing at the very least.

D'you know, she dubbed me Saddam! Saddam the spider! I don't know if it was the alliteration that made her do it or the fact that i was just bloody good at hiding. Huh! How rude! I mean, I'm a spider! that's what spiders do. We run fast, we hide round the backs of cupboards, we sit in the bath and we scare people. That's in our job description. What more does she expect?! For us to ditch our insect instincts and start running small charity shops or something?

So, anyway, this is what really happened. Last week I'd had a hard night on the town, falling in one puddle after another, when suddenly I saw this drain. Well. it looked so appealing that I just had to climb up it. Before I knew, I was in a bath. Nothing unusual about that. A bit boring, maybe. So I climbed out and started to explore. Well, there I was running along this hallway when what did I hear but the themetune to the Magic Roundabout! The magic roundabout! of all things! I hadn't seen that in a great many years, since I used to crawl across the screen and make the kids scream. Ahh, those were the days....

So I slipped under the doorway and lo and behold, there it was! On the TV I could see Dougal! well, I had to get a better look, didn't I? So I slipped behind the table and round the back of the bedside cabinet, then made my way slowly and surely up the side. Well, all was going fine until a tissue box appeared in my path! Have you ever tried to climb up one of those slippery little bastards? No, I don't suppose you have. Well, for those of you who have never attempted it I'll give you a hint as to how dangerous this is: In any one town, at least seventeen spiders per week lose at least one leg in a tissue-box related accident. They're the spider equivalent of road traffic accidents, you know.

So there I was, my legs working nineteen-to-the-dozen when all of a sudden - she saw me! That stupid little human who though it acceptable to watch a programme about the Magic Roundabout at the age of 23 saw me! I froze. What else could I do?? I was trying to pull the old 'Spider?-What-spider?' trick. Sadly, it wasn't working. She saw me and backed away like a coward. I knew I should have worn my leg-silencers! Damnit.

Well, it was a stalemate. She was staring, I was staring back and one of us had to make the first move. Humans are notoriously cowardly when it comes to things with four times the leg capacity of themselves so I figured it would have to be me. I did a bit of a bungee jump down the side of the bed and waited for the human to run away. It didn't happen. All I could hear was the creeking of the bed where she moved every now and then, and on top of that I had the bloody theme tune to the Magic Roundabout going round in my head! Well, I for one wasn't staying down the back of the bed with the old Atari and the manky fallen tissues so I went back up the bloody cabinet to watch the programme again!

This time I couldn't keep my grip, so I sat on the bed instead, and the next thing I knew this pillow had leapt up in the air and was swinging toward me. Gosh, that pillow was soft 'n' comfy! I'm used to getting thumped with rolled up newspapers, not to being smothered in luxury! It reminded me of a Monty Python sketch, in fact. I started to look around for the comfy chair and climbed on the pillow for a better look. Unfortunately I couldn't see the Comfy Chair. All I could see was a very angry looking human, standing with her hands on her hips and humming # Do do-do doo-doo, do do-do doo-doo #....

So where should I go from there? I didn't like the look in her eye. It was that I'm-going-to-get-the-hoover-in-a-minute look. So I hurried down the back of the bed again and asked the Atari for advice. Unfortunately it wasn't plugged in so I didn't get very far and decided to try my luck over the other side of the room instead. Not that my mother never warned me about sitting too close to the TV, but I thought it was worth a try. It seemed to appease the human being as well. But I just couldn't see the Tv properly any more. How could I marvel at Zebedee when I couldn't bloody see him??

Every time I tried to head back across the room to watch the telly again, the human leapt up and glared at me. *Shudders* - how do humans do that?! If I try glaring at some one they can't even see my bloody eyes! So I made repeated attempts but I was stared into submission every time. And finally the girl climbed on her bed and reached for something on the shelf above. It was a glass. Heh, I mocked that glass. It was not big enough to contain a great creature such as I!

However, i was not prepared for the missile. Just when I thought she'd given up - BANG! The glass crashed right beside me on the ground. All eight of my legs started shaking. That's a hell of a lot of knee-knocking. That's it - as far as Spiders go, I reckon I've got guts. But I couldn't stand this any longer. I started to look for an escape, when suddenly the doorway opened up toward that hall I'd explored just an hour earlier! As I began to made my way across, the human turned into some sort of monster - part human, part TV listings magazine. The magazine that had grown out of her hand waved me toward the door and I fled for my life!

That was almost a week ago now. I've spent days roaming the streets again ever sinceI fled from an open window. I've gotten over most of my ordeal now, but one question still remains.

How the hell am I going to get this damn theme tune out of my head?!

Take care, Love Spider xx