My throat is still closed up, I have been fainting and passing out all day and night, and tomorrow some horrid woman is going to poke things in me and cause me to bleed for weeks. But I'm feeling pretty happy. Unsocialble, maybe, but very happy. Even though I just stabbed myself in the foot by accident with a pair of scissors, I'm still pretty happy :)
Don't run with scissors..... that was an annoyingly stupid phrase, wasn't it? I actually don't remember a single occasion in my life in which I ran with scissors, or had any reason to. I never had one of those, "Shit! I-really-need-to-be-somewhere-with-scissors-FAST!" moments. At school, classrooms weren't big enough to run it. You start running and five paces later you hit a wall. And I have never run through my house with scissors. they've never been that 'vital'. I've run with video tapes when Jaye Griffiths has appeared on telly and I have run with photos of a certain dog, yelling to my mum, "She's sent me another picture of bloody T*ggy!" but that's about my limit.
And I've yet to witness a scissors marathon. In fact, I have never seen scissors featured in any kind of competitive sport. They pass the baton, not the scissors. They don't have the long scissors and the high scissors. They don't have the scissor toss. Besides, that sounds more like a painful operation than anything.
You don't see scissors in football or tennis. That would be a real rave at Wimbledon next year, wouldn't it?
"Lovely forehand..... oh NO! The SCISSORS! Henman wasn't expecting that!"
And they don't pull out a sharp piece of cutting equipment when the going gets tough in the Champion's League final and it all rests on scissor penalties.
"Van Nistelrooy steps up to take the first penalty.... and.... oh my WORD! Those scissors cut straight through the goal post!"
It might call a halt to hitting the bar, though. The damn things could chop straight through it!
Perhaps scissors are suited to a more.... gentle sport. Snooker, maybe. Although they do have a tendancy to rip things and they tend to get jammed in the pockets. Darts perhaps?
"A hundred and EIGHT-Y!.... oh, wait a minute... no, the scissors have fallen off the board."
I can't see them playing bowls either, tottering along at a speed of about one millimetre an hour. That's the problem with scissors - they can roll about as well as they can run. Well, perhaps they should give up on sport completely. Maybe they should appear in game shows instead. Who Wants to be a Pair of Scissors? The Weakest Scissor? Or maybe reality TV would be more their style.... although Big Scissors would probably sound more like an art shop than anything.
Perhaps scissors should stick to a quiet life after all. Perhaps they should stick to cutting things and being warned not to run with people. Poor things. At least they tried.
And all of that because I stabbed myself in the foot with a pair of scissors.
Isn't life amazing??
Ill.... rest needed.... back tomorrow :)