Oh no, no, no, NO! I just terrified myself playing Spot The Van Dykes on IMDB (following on from the usual game of it that my mum and I played over the weekend watching Diagnosis Murder) and discovering a practical family tree of them. I wish I'd never gotten into this now! Goodness me.
I was grateful of a quiet day at work today. I was feeling pretty rough, and even worse now. The heat doesn't help and I'm going to be glad when this heatwave is over. I still can't talk very well. My poor throat thinks that the curtains are closing on it and every time I try to open them again it closes itself back up. Like every time my words try to come back for an encore they get booed off the stage. Still, it's not all bad. I have started doing the banking of the charity shop takings, and my first experience of this was to meet a gorgeous, flirty, blonde bank worker. Oh yes, I think I could like this new task!
I'm panicked about thursday at the moment. This is the first time in 7 months that I am not bleeding so I have booked up for this follow-up smear, which I have on thursday morning. However - I know my body. And I know what is going to happen. I'm going to start bleeding straight afterwards and I am not going to stop for weeks, or at least not until I take a break for a 'proper' bleed. That's what happened last time, and no amount of leaflets saying 'women will usually get light bleeding for a day or so afterwards' is going to convince my body to follow those guidelines. It doesn't work like that. No person is like 'most people'. Everyone is unique - and all bodies have their individual quirks and failures.
Anyone who attempts to call me a pessimist gets a Salem in the mouth.
One thing I've become very sick of are phrases along the lines of, "Why do you always think the worst?" "You'll be fine" "You'll only be ill if you think you will." "Positive thinking!" I wish just sometimes that people would realise that when I say I am about to be ill I am not being a pessimist, I am not thinking the worst and I'm not thinking negatively, I am just telling the truth. It's a fact: My body will bleed at will. It doesn't need much encouragement. When you know that you are going to be ill for a definite reason no amount of positive thinking is going to change it? I mean, if you break your leg no one's going to rip the cast off and say, "Come on! Stand up! Put all your weight on it! Positive thinking!"
If I could have wished any of this away, I'd have done it long before now. Perhaps that should be my next tattoo - written right across my forehead ;)
The fact is, I always do try to think positively. Even when I know I'm about to have a bleed, I always convince myself it's going to be lighter than usual. the fact that it never is never disuades me, either. I wish I knew why people take cold, hard facts as pessimism. No one knows a body better than its owner. Not even medical professionals. The day they develop a way to put a doctor's mind into their patient's body for a few seconds to determine what's causing their pain then medical standards will go right up, off the sccale. Until then, we just have to all understand that bodies do not always behave very well - and that it's best to be prepared for when they do.
Y will be my pain relief over the weekend, of course ;) We all know that orgasms are better than any ibuprofen tablets. And I suppose that one thing on my side is that having no voice means that no one will object when I scream at the doctors. Now if that's not turning a negative into a positive then I don't know what is! ;)
Seriously, I am really sorry that I'm feeling so ill and being so awfully quiet. I just need a couple of weeks to recouperate a bit I think. And to eat constant pasta, the one thing my throat will allow :)
On a far lighter note, 'the crush' continues. I even watched Sabrina tonight. Twice! I swiched the sound off everytime little miss misery magic came on and just paid attention to the important parts.... ahem! I have been doing web searches galore but found very little. I couldn't find any posters and there are very few websites around with information on, which isn't exactly going to make my search any easier. I have decided, however, to pay homage to my crush and create a diaryring for her!
..