I feel like I'm composing an absence letter for a school kid.
"Dear Diaryland,
Please excuse Miranda for being extremely anti-social but she is suffering very badly with her CFS. She hopes to return to normal in a few days but while she is away can you arrange for someone to bring her homework to her? Thank you."
Friday was a huge mistake, CFS-wise. I enjoyed it so much at the time but I should have just stayed in one place. But it's hard to explain to people that you actually mean it when you say you have to sit down when you've only been walking for five or ten minutes and I just feel too embarassed sometimes to admit that it's the truth. I feel embarassed and ashamed that I'm not the girl I was a couple of years ago. I feel like people compare me to some twenty-stone pensioner with a ton of shopping when I plonk myself down. When I'm on my own I have no shame - I'll sit on the floor in the middle of Dixons if I have to and pretend to be really interested in the 16 different brands of disks on the bottom shelf until I've got my energy back, but you just can't do that when you're with people.
You can keep a mask up while you're actually doing it and keep pushing it and pushing it - pushing it so much so that people won't realise how you're feeling on the inside - but it's that night or the next day, maybe even the day after that, when all of a sudden you feel as though you should be shopping for coffins. My throat is.... I cannot speak today. I've been whispering so low all day that my mum has to ask me to repeat everything 3 times when she's only a foot away from me. It's badly swollen and raw and my glands are up so much that they'd be making millions on the stock exchange.
Every muscle in my body burns like it's been dipped in hot oil, and I keep falling asleep, over and over. I can't stay awake. And when I do sleep, it's been fevered. That tends to happen when I'm feeling at my worst.
I don't mean this to be a whiney rant, I want this to be my absence note. I just want to apologise for not getting all those promised emails sent, or texts replied to, or even signing guestbooks half as much as usual. So I do apologise for not being around - I will try to get back to normal as soon as I can.
The only thing I've been feeling up to is fiddling around with computer stuff. It's somehow easier to put together complex strings of HTML tags than to put together a two-paragraph email. Then again, HTML isn't going to mind if you're feeling rough where as no one wants to receive an email dribbling on about my bloody throat. With a diary you can skip over those parts :)
I've been re-doing my profile and trying to catch up on a few dreams in my dream diary (you'll find the link on the right!) whilst also finding a few new reads, both here and on LiveJournal.
I have also been feeling quite embarassed over my new crush. *blushes* You know, it's weird but I don't think I'd ever realised the distinct line between fancying/finding someone attractive and having an actual *crush* on them until yesterday. I don't know why. There are hundreds and thousands of famous females that I have fancied over the years but only a handful of those would I ever put my hand up to describling as a fully-fledged crush.... and, well... it's been a while.
I didn't realise you were still supposed to have crushes at the age of 23.
The thing that makes it so awful is..... she's in Sabrina! Goodness help me, what am I supposed to do? Have a piece of cardboard to stick over the screen whenever the other characters come on and have a special Elisa Donovan detector set up to remove it when she appears?? Now, that's what someone needs to invent for me. It reminds me of an episode of Blue's Clues where Kevin wanted to invent something but he kept inventing things that had already been invented. *I* have something he can invent for me!
My goodness, I am blushing like a schoolgirl.
I sent Y a selection of links to pictures of her today. Unfortunately for him, I mixed them up with rather hiddeous Sabrina-related links and also discovered at least two pieces of Salem merchandice that someone might be lucky enough to receive one day..... heh heh ;) I almost sent him a terrifying screenshot from Clarissa Explains it All as well, but the image wouldn't link properly. Alright, Clarissa, explain this: Why are you still playing a teenage witch now that you've about 53 then?? Hmpf!
I will take my throat and head off for some cold milk now, and be back tomorrow - and you never know, I may uncover the whereabouts of Running Man! I do hope so - I worry about the poor chap!
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