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After The Rain

Record released on 2003-06-17 at 7:07 p.m.

Today I got caught in the mightiest storm I've ever seen. It struck as I stepped out of work and carried on until long after I arrived home. It was breathtaking. The rain came down in such sheets that I couldn't see more than a couple of meters ahead of me. The thunder cracked so hard that it sounded like the sky would break in two, the lightning zig-zagged overhead and the town instantly flooded. I ended up wading through puddles higher than my ankles and splashed by cars right up to my neck. You know what? It didn't make me cross, it didn't piss me off, it didn't even annoy me. I just felt..... peaceful.

Why? I've been asking myself that for hours. I don't know. And then today at work we were discussing our weekends and I began by saying that I've been in pain but ended up deciding I'd actually had a really good weekend. And although that might sound strange, it's true. It was the writing. Putting pen to paper all the time, using it to get me through the worst of the pain, it helped me get through it the way it used to.

But it was more than that. Something I'm only just begining to learn and to understand. Although between summer 1998 and summer 1999 I still wrote, the need had died. I wrote out of duty, not out of passion. The reason for that? Doesn't take much to work out. I'm slowly taking it back. I'm pulling back the things I enjoyed from back then and letting them make me feel the same joy they used to. The writing, the Bugs obsession, certain songs (I spent one whole night downloading songs that reminded me of 1997 a week or so ago) and so on.

I don't remember much of the last few days. Living on little food, no sleep, high dose painkillers and agony during awful humidity doesn't do much for the consciousness. But that's just as well really because I'd rather not remember how much pain I've felt. My shelf is bowing with the weight of two more books from the last few days and that's enough to know my time didn't go to waste just this once.

Today, at last, the mists are clearing, and the rain helped to push them away. Walking, soaked from head to toe, as the rain beat down on me was refreshing, like waking up from an awful sleep and a terrible nightmare. I felt weak and exhausted as I battled the storm but for the first time in days my mind was alert. I think I'm ready for anything now.

Over the weekend something almost set me back for a while. I read someone's account of something which, in places, echoed 1998 for me. For the first time in my life I heard someone else express why you do not, and cannot, report it. At last, I felt understood, and that I understood myself. But for that awful moment all the horrors came back to me. His face and his voice, and his hand plunging down, and then in a way I never could before I just took myself back from it. I took myslef back from the memory and sent it packing.

And, know what? No one's noticed why I've been doing it but I have been saying his name in the context of another person. Of a character in a film that I just keep mentioning. And I'm doing it because I can. because for the first time in five years I am saying that one little word, three little letters, without it meaning him automatically.

And the day is drawing closer all the time. Two weeks time tomorrow. And one week tomorrow is the anniversary of the first part, the party. Just a week away from the start of the nightmare time and I am not crying or screaming or trying to run away. What's changed? I wish I knew. I feel strong now, in a way I never have before. Please, please, don't let this strength desert me when the day arrives.

I want to talk more about this and try to understand what's changed, but I also want it locked away. So I'm jumping on the bandwagon and setting up a notifylist to alert you to my private entries and to the username and password. They will probably change from time to time. Go on then, join up :)

Email:

In other news, back to the surreal world of Miranda, on leaving work today I spotted 2 buses jammed in the small road that I walk up to get onto the main road. There were police, there were repair vans, tow trucks.... It was a sight to behold! One bus, on the far side, was empty. I am presuming it must have broken down. now, I don't even know why they let buses down that tiny, steep road anyway and I have the feeling that after this incident they won't any more. The bus must have reached only a meter down the road when it had broken down.

And although the bus emptied of passengers, they must have forgotten to warn oncoming busses that there was a broken-down one there - so a second bus had swirved down and gotten jammed between the first bus and the wall! The second bus was still full of passengers, desperate to be let out, as first bus and they couldn't get out. There were two repair vans, the inhabitants of which were standing around the two busses, sucking on their lips and making tutting sounds. But then the unbelievable happened and a third bus appeared and tried to go down the very same road! The police descended upon it like flies around a rotting carcus and waved their arms in alarm.

The third bus was too busy trying to wave at its mates to make a correct turning and there was very nearly a three-bus pile up! Finally the police woman nearby waved him on down the main road and tried to alieviate the rather large traffic jam which had appeared in its place.

But to make the whole thing worse, the police woman looked exactly like June Ackland from The Bill.

Right down to the roots.

Oh yeah.... it was a good day :)

I shall be back tomorrow. You just see if I'm not :)

And - HAPPY BIRTHDAY LAURA! - go and wish her a happy birthday and tell her X sent you :)

What's On: Thank You - Alanis Morrisette

Next: Hmm.... I have not a clue :)

Quote of the Moment: "Little did I know they had nominated me to man the bar...." - My boss didn't have a good weekend!

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Fantastic Double CD Includes Tracks:
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1. Latest
2. Archives
3. Links
4. Rings
5. Profile
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8. Health
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CD 2 Includes the Following Remixes:
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Starting Again? - 2005-06-11
Returning - 2004-08-16
Just Wondering - - 2004-07-30
Birthday - 2004-02-23
A New Year - 2003-12-31



grrr // Jaye
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All lyrics ramblings � Little Miss X, with painkillers on backing vocals, 'toises on drums and Izzles on the musical toilet rolls. And if you would like to know more about the music *I* enjoy, see my playlist. Best viewed in 800x600 and with a pair of eyes and a sense of humour.With thanks to Diaryland.

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Check out great albums by the following artists: ......And many, many more!