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Epiphanies of Sexuality

Record released on 2003-05-29 at 7:49 p.m.

Oh for goodness sake.... don;t use SplashDVD to order videos if you actually want them to arrive the same year. I ordered two Asia Argento tapes almost 3 weeks ago and after 3 attempts to chase them up they finally told me they were out of stock indefinitely. back to Amazon then, I guess :( That means paying out �6 more.... but as I just got a package saving me at least �10 per month off my phone bill I don't mind *too* much. I'm turning into one of those annoying consumers who shops around at the moment and saved myself a fortune on phone bills lately, which is just as well since about 20% of my wages are going on pain killers at the moment :/

Having said that, despite being in extreme pain today I refused to take any brainkillers so I could indulge in a glass of red wine tonight to celebrate my file-rearranging day. All my files are now safely seated in the new cabinet and I'm no longer hitting my foot on things. Not that that did me much good this morning when the piles of stuff were still all around and I whacked my foot on the filing cabinet while pulling my trousers on. Ouchie!

So here I am on a perfect summer's evening with a glass of rough red wine, the wind blowing through my window and the sun setting hazily over the garden. The next few days are going to be busy but hopefully not too strenuous so I can save my energy for Sunday. I have to really gear myself up for this. I'm no socialite and I'm worried that after so many years I won't know what to say. At least we'll be able to fill up a lot of the time with the two favourite subjects of long-separated friends: What we've done since, and the memories we share. I found the layout for the diploma show at the end of my second year at college today, so I've kept that to one side to take with me.

The subject of sexuality is going to come up. Not sure who's going to mention it yet, but if A's bold text the other week is anything to go by it may be her. I've been trying to work out my answer to that question I know she's going to ask that it's just impossible to respond to - "So when did you realise you were gay?"

I hate that question. I just can't answer it, but i've been asked that so many times. Is there an answer to that? Does anyone have one defining moment which made them realise their sexuality as gay, straight or anything in between? I've given a dozen different answers in the past. I think it was one moment, then I realise it may have been another. So many different epiphanies that helped the picture build in my mind but no one, defining moment.

- When I was 5 I decided I was going to marry Sandi Toksvig. Do not judge me - I was FIVE! I didn't understand much at that time, and she was on Number 73 every saturday morning on telly, so I just.... got brainwashed! But when I told an older friend that I was going to marry a woman when I was older she told me I would go to hell for saying such a thing. I can still see the look in her eyes, the utter horror. I didn't know what was so wrong about what I'd said, but I never said it again.

- Time went by and I got older. When I was 9 a boy in the class went round calling everyone gay. I had no concept of what the word meant - I'd only ever heard it used to describe someone being happy as had most of the rest of the class, but the teacher sat down and said to the boy in front of the class, "You mustn't say that. It's a bad word." When he asked what it meant she said it was what happened when two boys or two girls loved each other. For one second, one tiny, fleeting second my mind said, "Oh! Like me!" and something clicked into place. But of course, we had all just been told that 'Gay' was a very bad word and so I had to pretend that no such thought had entered my mind.

- During the next three years every girl in my class had a crush - usually on either a member of Bros or New Kids On The Block. I turned my nose up at all of them until one day the constant bullying I already faced was angled to a 'Why don't you love anyone? Are you queer?' aspect and I was forced into the first of many faked crushes. If I had to fancy a man then I had to pick the girliest. Do I hear a 'Chesney Hawkes' anywhere? *cringes*

- When I was 14 my first kiss was with a girl at school. I don't know whether it counts as a first kiss since it was fleeting and has no romantic background. There was a very strange girl who would flit from person to person choosing a new 'victim' each week, who she would sit next to in every lesson and pay undying attention to until the week ended and she would turn against them viciously. Yet everyone wanted to be the chosen one. There was something about her. Yet when it got to my turn somthing unusual happened and instead of the usual bullying she spent her last day of chosing me by kissing me fleetingly on the lips at lunch break, in full view of anyone who happened to be walking by at the time. She stood up immediately and smiled, then walked away and never spoke to me again. Many years later, when I was at college, some bitchy girls said that they had seen her outside a club the night before and that she was a 'poof' with a girlfriend. They sat like witches round a couldren, tearing her apart, while I just sat there staring vacantly at my easel.

- Until the age of 15 I could still pretend I was 'normal', but I had another epiphany over Gillian Anderson. Of all the minor crushes I'd had until that point, she was one one who started to open the closet doors and try to pull me out. I couldn't deny that one. God, no. Since a giant poster of her in black lingerie still graces my door I'm guessing that was one crush with staying power!

- And then came Jaye Griffiths. My beautiful Jaye. My all time heroine. The most beautiful actress, in my opinion, to ever grace the screens. It was the summer of 1997 as I waited for Bugs to return to the screen that i started to realise just how powerfully I felt when I saw a picture of her. I had a series of dreams - not about her but about coming out - which disturbed me greatly. I hunted for a long time for something to 'straighten me out' (my exact words at the time) and for a day or two I thought I had. Then when a brand new pictre of Jaye appeared in the TV magazine I realised I was still bloody lying.

- UK Gold were running repeats of Between the Lines in the autumn of that year. the only masculine male I genuinely fancied was Neil Pearson who of course starred in in. But the first episode I caught, he had a sex scene with Jaye Griffiths and I had never, EVER in my life felt the way I did when I watched that. later that night in bed I realised I was masturbating over the 'wrong' person.

- One day in March 1998 I had a dream that was the final straw. It was a sex dream involving my favourite actress and me. When I woke the next day I felt shattered and confused. Everything up until that point I'd still denied but that day I asked my best friend of the time, C, if she could come to my house that weekend because I had a secret I desperately needed to share. That saturday I said the words for the very first time. That's when she told me that she was gay also. And the rest is history.

Of course, as with all matters in life nothing is straight forward and just as I was becoming quite content with my sexuality I met Y and fell in love with - shock horror! - a man. that scuppered everything I thought I knew about myself. I struggled for many months to work out who I was again. I felt forced to settle on bisexual because of stupid labels and such, but last year I finally realised that one man does not change the fact that I am a lesbian, and a very happy one. Falling in love with Y didn't change who I was, it just enhanced it.

Most people would frown at the relationship we have. When he talks about fantasies he has involving girls he knows, girls on TV, girls he's bumped into in the street, the sterotypical relationship would have me down as getting jealous and angry, but it just turns me on so much. We talk about all the girls that we want to invite into bed if we have the chance (Geri Halliwell is *so* ours!) and discuss the curves of ladies we pass in shops and on trains. In fact, I think it was falling in love with Y that really made me realise for certain I was gay. Sounds strange, doesn't it? :)

So at the weekend, if A asks me that question, I know what I'll have to say to her.

"I don't know. Do you?" :)

What's On: Centrefold by J Geils Band

Next: getting something to eat!

Quote of the Moment: "Something else on BBC1 that involves Cheese and a Chair..."

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Fantastic Double CD Includes Tracks:
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1. Latest
2. Archives
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4. Rings
5. Profile
6. Biography
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CD 2 Includes the Following Remixes:
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Starting Again? - 2005-06-11
Returning - 2004-08-16
Just Wondering - - 2004-07-30
Birthday - 2004-02-23
A New Year - 2003-12-31



grrr // Jaye
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All lyrics ramblings � Little Miss X, with painkillers on backing vocals, 'toises on drums and Izzles on the musical toilet rolls. And if you would like to know more about the music *I* enjoy, see my playlist. Best viewed in 800x600 and with a pair of eyes and a sense of humour.With thanks to Diaryland.

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