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The Mirandavision Song Contest

Record released on 2003-05-26 at 5:47 p.m.

Heh, I've had a hit for Russell Hoobs instead of Russell Hobbs! That casts up possibilities of a Hoobs episode about toasters.... Hmm....

I'm pretty miserable at the moment. Y left earlier and for only the 4th time ever I wasn't well enough to walk him to the station. in the middle of putting the filing cabinet together yesterday (yup, more DIY and we had another success story! This does not mean filing cabinets are permitted in the guestbook...) I got a huge crushing wave of pain and I had an awful feeling that the moderately light breakthrough bleeding I'd had for the last 2 weeks was about to get heavier. And, yup, it did. Y looked after me all morning until he had to go for his train and made me feel much better with hugs, giggles and pretty girls, but now it's just me and my painkillers, all alone again after an amazing weekend.

A weekend of sex, DIY and Eurovision! Perfect in every way. Tomorrow night I'll write about the weekend itself but tonight I have prepared my pages upon pages of Eurovision quotes from this year for your viewing pleasure... and this year there were almost twice as many as ever! It was a classic and I'm already waiting for next years!

KEY:

TW = Terry Wogan quote
(sub) = Subtitle mistake
Writing in Italics = lines from the song

All other quotes are indicated as being me, Y, the presenters or anyone else!

The subtitles didn't even wait until the lottery to go wrong.... this one was from the lottery just before it:

(sub) Eurovision Kong Contest (Presumably one for gorillas)

TW -�We�re about to meet the presenters. You�ll love them....�

The presenters came on in TERRIFYING fur coats....

Y - �One of them�s wearing the bloody Honey Monster!�

TW (viewing the shirt underneath the presenter's coat) � �Ah, the old yellow custard suit. Thank goodness for that!�

TW � �26 songs.... And it takes them 25 minutes to start the thing!�

TW � �This is sparkling stuff! What about starting the contest? Any chance?�

(Sub) Now we have the astronauts from the Ips Ips (international space station!)

Iceland:

(sub) The first song is Ice Landic (Icelandic)

(Very attractive singer!)

Y � �The microphone stand appears to have a large dandelion on it...�

The sum of you and me is we.

(sub) Ice Land, bringing the first song in the Eurovision Song Contest.... (They still can't spell Iceland!)

Austria:

TW � �Alf is a hairy man.�

I could literally have listed the entire song for Austria and still not have managed to express how awful � and how funny � it was!

I like all animals on this earth but I really prefer rabbits and bears...

Rabbits live in the woods, cats in the meadow.

....Is no different than between noodles and pasta.

....some live outdoors and others in cans.

Small rabbits have small noses and small cats have soft paws....

Ireland:

(The backing dancers were gorgeous!)

Y � �Two words for you: Darius Impersonator��

Ask me why do the sun and moon go round, why do my feet never touch the ground�

Turkey:

all we�ve done is pass back to frame number one...

...I�ll cry, I�ll die and make you mine again....

You make me wanna urh-hur
You make me wanna hur-hur!

Y � �What do you reckon a hur-hur is?�
Me � �I�m still wondering why she appeared to have tentacles for half the performance��

Malta:

You�re the one who makes me dream�

(after the song fizzled out) Me � �Not really a very big finish, was it?�

Bosnia-Herzegovina:

(sub) Sung in Bosnian, Ian and English (what language is Ian??)

Don�t ever lie, hi-i�..

**This tune is a complete carbon copy of Northern Girl from last year�s Eurovision! I just wanted to make this point clear!**

I was a fool that could die for you...

TW � �Did I tell you there were 26 songs all together? Any sign of a drink??�

(sub) Hair sale (hairstyle!)

Portugal:

Empty all my life of rhyme and reason....

Croatia:

(sub) He wrote the require i as well (he wrote the LYRICS as well!!!)

TW � �Resist the urge to shout �They�re Behind you!��

We both know it�s for the better, this thing couldn�t last forever more�

TW � �I had a feeling she�d end up in their arms...�

Cyprus:

Me � �Darius, number two??�

I�m feeling alive when you�re looking for me, I�m feeling alive when you stand close to me�

Give me some time to prove to you baby, I�m telling no lies....

Germany:

Let�s get happy and let�s be friends....

Let�s be happy and let�s be gay, all our troubles will fade away....

�Everyone�s kind of cool and stressed�. (both at the same time??)

We will have lots of fun together

And the promise I will send you hits on a brand new day!

Russia:

TW � �This is tatu. The famous tatu. We don�t yet know which one is Tat and which is Tu.�

Wants, doesn�t want. Bites, doesn�t bite.

Some people are show-offs and some are maniacs.

Somewhere there�s much of what�s little.

Someone into the bushes and someone into me.

Don�t light and don�t extinguish.

(Is there anything we ARE allowed to do??)

Spain:

(sub) �A bunch of wool lopers� (Wallopers!)

Y � �What�s a wool loper?�
Me � �I think it�s what happens when a sheep gets tangled up��

Tell me what it is that I can do, How can I have you in my life?

TW � �I must confess a sneaking regard for that one. Mainly because I drew it in the sweep!�

TW � �I think the backing dancers and singers are starting to take over this thing��

Israel:

Me � �I think that�s Darius and Gareth Gates�s love child� :/

Deep inside, I�m a romantic man.

It�s my way, I don�t give up. I have to break your code.

Interlude:

TW � �I think I would have preferred to have watched the adverts.�

Holland:

And there�s a flower that keeps growing as long as we two rhyme.

UK :

Baby, it�s your turn to cry...

Y � �Not another song with Cry in it!�

TW � �Let�s see who votes for us. Let�s see who our friends are.� (As it turned out.... No one!)

Ukraine:

Hasta la vista baby�.

Oh girl, you are so�

The tears in your eyes are so bright as the stars�.

(sub) The first ever entry from Theu Crane (the Ukraine)

Me � �Who�s Theu Crane?�
Y � �Have you never heard of him? He�s related to Dr. Frasier and Dr. Niles Crane!�

Greece:

Christina Aguilera lookalike!!

(Argh, damnit, ANOTHER entry about being willing to cry, lie and die for you...)

Me � �Ooh, watch out, it�s the guitar solo...�

(sub) I don�t know what you U you will think of this (alright! Enough with the �you�s!)

Norway:

Knowing there�s an end to a story, end to a glory...

I�m in love with a beautiful girl, she�s the one from a magical world�

I�m alone when the ghost starts to hunt

France:

(sub) Bear Foot (bare foot!)

And the earth� and the earth�

I certainly know my heart which is not on the lookout.

I feel naked and deprived of my wings.

(Y was particularly disturbed by the fact that this poor lady�s hair was across her face for the whole performance and she made no attempt to remove it!)

Poland:

Me � �He forgot to take his pyjamas off!�

(The male singer had the gruffest voice on record)

Y � �Bloody hell, man, get some strepsils!�

One sees with innocent child eyes how we people are small on earth.

He may forget about his stupid megalomania.

No flags�

No quarrels, no explosions, no wars.

(At the end of the song the idiot put his head right into the woman�s crotch! Poor girl!)

Latvia:

Me � �He looks like Dave Bradford!�

I�m not afraid if a blade.

But I�m scared to be shared by someone else.

Me � �They don�t NEED to put the little songy bits in the subtitles, we KNOW they�re singing!�

(sub) Mrs Ro Tpw (we have no idea what that was supposed to be!)

Belgium:

(They have invented a language for this song with the whole meaning of no one understanding it anywhere in the world, but Y wanted to know why they hadn�t translated it for the subtitles! :))

Me � �I thought that was Silent Bob playing the bagpipes!

The scary accordian�. �It�s gonna have someone�s head off in a minute!�

TW � �As long as there�s an accordian there�ll be a Eurovision!�

Estonia:

(The ONLY non-pretty girl entry. The singer looked like a cross between a young Jack Dee and Vinnie from Home and Away�)

But those deep synthesizer sounds freak you out.

Can you feel it? It�s the 80s coming back�

Everybody is wearing their hair the way they did 15 years ago�.

Romania:

(sub) Lyric Ist (lyricist)

Have you ever known what the friends are for? Have you ever listened to your heart and lie no more?

Sweden:

You can turn the winter into summer

You can be my wonder every day.

Y � �That bloke sounds like Meatloaf!�
Me � �But looks like Rod Stewart...�

Slovenia:

(sub) NN nafplt (we have no idea what that was meant to be, unless someone sat on the keyboard!)

TW � �You�ll see she looks rather like Toyah Wilcox from I�m a Celebrity, I can�t tell Stork from Butter....�

Then he grabbed his old guitar and began to play�

He said to me Na na na na�.

Naturally he set my heart on fire!

TW � �That�s it! You should get a medal! You�ve watched them all!�

Eurovision presenter � �We seem to have waited so long for this.
TW � �True.�

Eurovision presenter (waffles for ages�) � ��and then we have to wait for the NEXT Eurovision song contest��
TW � �No, we take you outside and shoot you!�

TW (of the strange filling-in film to pass time while people voted for their favourite song...) � �The old parrot-on-he-shoulder trick.... They taste just like chickens��

Voting:

Y and I voted for Russia and got a patronizing Terry Wogan telling me to replace my handset when I had voted!!

The Eurovision presenters waffled for a while, causing Terry to comment�

TW � �What about the parrot? Where�s the parrot? I�d rather have that!�

And then the announcement was made. Next year there will be TWO Eurovisions!

TW � �You�re trying to kill the thing stone dead!�

Results:

(sub) Latvee Anns (Latvians)

(During the Austrian results when their representative waffled for too long) TW � �Thanks for that. Can we get on with it now?�

When the results of the Croatian vote were about to be announced, I thought she was about to say Croydon! That would be great, wouldn�t it? The results of the Croydon jury�. :/

TW � �Are you as confused by this strange voting as I am? Can�t make head nor tail of this!�

(sub) Ice Lands (They STILL can�t spell Iceland right!)

(The result announcer makes a little error�)

�I think I made a little mistake��

TW � �That�s OK. You�re fired!�

TW � �Oh, PLEASE.... Turkey, yes. Why not?�

TW (as a jury representative waffles�) � �Take a cue, son. Take a cue!�

TW � �But first, a song!�

Representative � �Of course, if you�re ready....�
TW � �We�ve been ready for some time, son��

(As the audience jeered at the Cyprus/Greece voting�)

TW � �It�s about time we got a �boo� for that!�

TW � �Excuse me, my dear, is that an astronaut on your chest?�

TW � �Every year I sit here and think�. what are they doing??�

(The ad break comes on, so for us with non-advert BBC we are treated to the waffling presenters again�)

TW � �Just in time. That was damn good��

Me � �Why does the Netherlands flag look like the Pepsi logo?� (They had put all flags into circles and warped them, creating some completely bizarre shapes)

TW � �Greece. Now, will you be giving 12 points to Cyprus?�

Representative: �And 12 points go to�. Cyprus!�
TW � �What?? That was a shock and a surprise��

TW � �Do you know, I think sometimes I must have been at a different contest��

The UK with Null Points�

TW � �You know what this means, we�re going to have to send a gun boat��

And finally, I don�t know what one of the final representatives said but I could have sworn she said,

�Congratulations, and I hope I can piss on the winner!�

- So there you go! That was this year's eurovision, cut down to managable chunks! Here's to next year ;)