There used to be a gang of 5 of us that would hang around at college for the first couple of years. Me, L, A, C (the ex-girlfriend with a dog obsession) and S. A, L and I used to share bizarre jokes that no one else understood, in the same way that we exchange jokes about tortoises, Skinner and so on now. We used to particularly cling to certain adverts and have a go at them all the time. One was for 'New Micro Rice' (a product that I don't think lasted long), at the end of which a hand-puppet sang tunelessly 'Serve with a main di-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-isssssssh!'

Scribbled on the back of something else was that very phrase last night, and it made me smile. L never had a mobile phone but A did. In fact, she was the first person we ever knew with one. She had one of the old brick-type ones (like the one floating arund in my bloody Toisebook! Hee hee!) and we would wind her up constantly about it. We always wound each other up all the time. They were very, very happy days.

Anyway, as she was the only one I knew who I thought might recall the advert, I grabbed my mobile and sent her a text about it, then laid down my phone and carried on trawlling through my sea of papers.

I found some stuff that really made me smile. I found an old piece of Pokemon fan fiction I'd written, based on those stupid adverts about suing people after accidents, a packet of drawings used for a version of Whose Washing Line Is It Anyway (a quiz from The Big Breakfast which ripped off the title from, obviously, a programme!) that J, H and I once played which had more Red Herrings than it was supposed to and a Drop The Dead Donkey christmas card I'd once evilly made for someone with Gus's head on a penguin's body. I wish I could recall quite why I'd done that....

Then my phone beeped and it was Alison. She couldn't remember where the line was from, so I told her and carried on sorting some more stuff out. And then I got another text. I saved it so I could get the wording exactly right:

'By the way have u seen the film 'How to Lose a Guy in 10 days'? - not that it applies to us. Do u want to go & see it if its still on in cinema? -A'

See, on its own that message would seem quite innocent but there's a bit of background.

Gaydar, as horrid as the word is, exists. That's a fact. I am generally good at being able to sense if someone is gay, bisexual or whatever label they choose. I felt it from C at college, and I also felt it from A. She never spoke of crushes or went out with anyone, she would try to hide her face when L spoke about men in the same way I would tend to shuffle off to the canteen and pretend I urgently needed a plate of chips. But at that time none of us were interested in looking for love anyway, so I suppose the subject never really came up.

By the following year, when my sexuality started to come more to the fore, we were taking different specializations and didn't see each other as much as we used to. L and I took graphics and A took textiles. They were at opposite ends of the building. We'd meet up in thursday's visual studies, monday afternoon's Cultural Studies and the occasional lunchtime, but by the time we got our places to stay on for the HND we'd just grown apart.

In our last year there, L had a baby after a one night stand and didn't attend much. I couldn't believe she'd been so stupid as to use no protection at all - she said the only reason she'd done it was because she wanted to know what sex 'felt like'. As her attendance trailed off almost completely, they re-merged the cultural studies groups and I was reunited with A where we'd sit together and have a giggle. One week though there was A Conversation.

Anyone with a secret they ever wanted out will understand what I mean here. You really want someone to know, but you don't want to have to say it. You drop hints, hoping they will ask, without you having to drum up the courage to say the words. I got good at having those ocnversations as regards my sexuality, and I got good at spotting them in others. A was fidgetting around for a while, with something on her mind. Finally she cleared her throat and said,

"I couldn't believe it about L. You know... being pregnant."

She said 'pregnant' like it was a dirty word.

"Neither could I," I admitted.

She cleared her throat again and said,

"I don't know how she could even bear to.... you know. I think it's disgusting. Sex.... with men."

It was one of 'those' moments.

"So do I," I told her. Although at the time I was still firmly wedged in the closet, it was easier to say this to someone who was also lurking between the coathangers. "I don't 'like' men."

She looked at me like a revelation had passed across her face.

"Me neither!" she cried, "I just... would never want to go out out one. The thought of them touching me... the thought of one naked....ugh."

the conversation only went on for a moment longer, with the word never actually being spoken, before the lights went down and the slides started to appear on the wall, and notes had to be taken. It was the last proper cultural studies lesson for the year and we never got to finish that conversation.

I don't think A ever knew about Y. When we got together, i was right near the end of my last year and we were so busy setting up the exhibition that we didn't really have time to chat. And since then, the most we've exchanged is a christmas card each year and about three texts per 12 months. That text came out the blue because there'd been no hint of meeting up since we left college 3 years ago, and the wording took me back to that conversation. The bit about losing a 'guy' not applying to us. There was no other reason to put that.

I didn't really know what to say. For one thing, I didn't actually want to see the film..... for another, I'm not up to an outing at the moment and how do you explain to someone you've not seen for 3 years that you've got CFS? But mainly, I didn't know if I was misreading it or not. I sent Y a message saying, "I think I just got asked out by a friend I've not seen in years!" and I read him the message on the phone last night. He seems to agree with me.

I am curious, I have to admit. I wish we'd finished that conversation three and a half years ago. Besides, it would be nice to meet up again and swap news. A lot has happened over 3 years. I texted her back and said I was a bit busy and ill at the moment but that we should meet up in a few weeks, and I got no response. I was worried I'd hurt her feelings or she'd think being ill was just an excuse, so I sent another message, more positively, saying we should meet up in June and I'll bring all the old photos for a trip down memory lane. I got a message back saying 'That sounds great!' so I suppose I'll be finding out pretty soon one way or the other.

It would be nice to think someone actually had a crush on me, in a way. No one has ever had a crush on me except for my wonderful Y, but since that was mutual that's different :) I'm going to look out all my college stuff today and remember some of the really good times we had.

Whoever said school days were the best of your life was talking out their backside.