It's warm but grey outside today. Inside? It took me 20 minutes to get up the energy to roll over in bed this morning. I don't know why I have been quite this tired the last couple of days. I suppose I should have stayed at home on Saturday. Every muscle in my body burns and aches today.
Thank you for all the messages yesteday. I didn't mean to whine about my grandmother like that, but I was still in shock over the things she'd said to me. I still am. I don't think I can ever regard her in the same way, not know I know that I fit into the category of people that she despises and who disgust her. I've taken a few homophobic comments over the last few years, but the one source that hurts more than anything is from your own flesh and blood.
I feel like I should start watching The Salon just to spite her. Grr.
I think hearing such homophiobic crap from someone that I'd loved and respected all my life hit me hard because it brought back a lot of the rubbish I'd taken in the past. It's actually been a long time since I've taken real abuse over it. Maybe I just got too used to being around people who accepted anyone for who they are without making them feel like they have to justify themselves.
Perhaps I'm in a slightly odd position in that I've had unkind comments from all sides. Because of my unusual circumstances I've had abuse from people who are straight, gay, bisexual and anything in between. There's been the obvious homophobic stuff, the really unoriginal crap - Fucking lesbo; gay slut; why don't you go and buy yourself a pair of fucking dungarees? (Oh yes, that was an actual email I got about a year and a half ago. Stereotyping, anyone?) and then there's the fact that people don't seem to believe I can be with a man and yet be gay - you're too chicken to be with a woman; you must be using him to pretend to be normal; you just want to be gay to be cool (yeah, it's really cool to get abuse for being yourself, isn't it?) you don't know what you are; stop fucking pretending to be gay; stop fucking pretending to be straight....
For god's sake - I'm not *trying* to be anything except trying to be myself. Just because I'm in a different situation to most people doesn't mean that I don't know who I am. It took me a long time to find out but I got there in the end, despite the crap I've had. And now I've discovered my own grandmother holds the same views as those people that have said such things - it's just a bit of a shock. A really nasty one.
I'm not going to dwell on it any more. I'm going to try to avoid her as much as possible from now on because I worry that if I don't I'll say something I'll regret. I feel really bad about it, but it's probably better all round if I do that. There are more important things for me to use my strength on.
Like, for example, starting Blue's Clues safety campaigns. I made these for the lovely Nicole, who you should all go and visit and give big, warm hugs to today because she needs and deserves them. These safety ads... well, hopefully they will serve as a warning to *all* cartoon characters that things are not as safe as they might think! Enjoy :)
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